Two Piles

So we spent time over the weekend  sorting through our office  (purging old files, making folders for new ones). Who knew that Soleil's file would take up as much room as our auto records?

Finally I attacked the mess of papers that are adoption related(they have no file yet!)

They do however have two big binders ! It's funny when something so important really comes down to two piles- what is complete and what is not. The "not" pile" is still towering over the "complete." I also got depressed looking at our check list of "phases for the process." We are almost through phase 2! I got excited until I realized there are 9!!! It feels like we have done so much already! The good news is that the average couple takes 3-4 months to  get through stage 3 which is when our letter is being looked at by prospective birthmothers. So I guess in that case, we are clipping along!

Middle School!

It is days like today when I leave after teaching my middle school dance classes and I rethink why I want to be a parent! It is a miracle any of of survive that time in life! I have been struggling with some of the work I am doing with this age since Sept. and yet I feel like I have come so far since then. Much like where they are at in life, I still have so far to go! The good news is that developmentally , middle schoolers are very similar to 3 year olds! So perhaps by the time my child is 3, I will REALLY feel like a good teacher and parent!

I am also feeling very sad today about the young boy from Oakland who became paralyzed by a random bullet during his piano lesson earlier this week . I was listening to a radio interview today of his mother who sounded so strong and together in a time of  such challenge. I loved how she spoke about her son being the reason why she felt like things would be ok. It also made me think about how terrifying it must be for a parent to trust the world with their baby and how there is a woman out there who will take such a big leap and trust that Wally and I will be the right parents for her child.

Feeling Responsible

So after a 3 hour walk today with Soleil and my friend Smalls (who is expecting twins in 10 weeks), I completed a part of the paper work that I somewhat dreaded... a medical physical.

I don't have a "regular" doctor that I see or rely on for health issues. I have an acupuncturist that I have been seeing for the last decade and I consider her to be my #1 health support system. So I do get a bit anxiety ridden when the need arises to  enter a western medical facility and the lack of personal attention that  seems to come with it. I had made a appointment weeks ago at a local family practice with a nurse practitioner that I had seen once before and felt comfortable with. So I showed up at my appointment time and paid my  stupid little co-pay and waited. Waited and continued to feel full of anxiety knowing that perhaps many others had sat in my seat and had "sick germs." Yes, I am a little germ a phobic in that way! SO I went in about 30 minutes later to a cold room and waited for the NP. Oh, she had called me earlier today to check in about what I needed for the paperwork. This was encouraging and helped me to feel a little bit more like I wasn't just" another patient."

SO she ended up spending much longer than planned talking with me about the adoption and shared her prior experiences working at Planned Parenthood. I really appreciated the time she spent  , knowing that she was probably booked solid and for sharing encouraging thoughts about my choice and that the outcome would be exactly what is meant to be and that it would be good, because I emoted a positive energy. She  made the experience so much better than I would have imagined and looks forward to seeing me in the future with a little one. She sent me across the street to do an assortment of labs (she felt confident that the results would be good) so I did them without any fasting in order to expediate. I had to do a urinalysis  & blood was drawn for HIV, cholesterol & the bonus lab called the Achoo test. (This one actually has nothing to do with the adoption , but may help shed some light on my persistent allergies through blood analysis. I thought the name was funny!)

While at this lab I suddenly felt so "responsible." I probably wouldn't have been there doing any of it if it weren't for this little child that is going to arrive in my life. Don't know anything about he or she at this point,  but I know that my heart already has a special space for this child and I will do what is needed in this process to  get another day closer to meeting my child. The blood taker (I know there is a better name for this profession!) gave me some advice when I told her why I was there. She said not to be scared when my child has to have blood drawn. She assured me it didn't hurt and that the child will react according to the attitude that I have about it. It was the first time I imagined  being the one who would relieve a fear or anxiety   for someone who would need a good explanation of "why."

Triple Threat

Yesterday Wally and I were blessed to hold some special  roles in the lives of two young people from our church. We were both asked to be Godparents to 2 year old William . This was such a great honor and watching this sweetheart be tickled by the flowing water as it braised his head was truly uplifting. William was adopted in August by some dear friends of ours. His adoption took place in another country over a period of about 16 months. It is a joy to see him with his loving family every single time and to be witnesses of such a natural love!

 I  also acted as a Confirmation Mentor to 14 year old Vanessa. This process began in September and was an absolutely rich experience. I learned from her and I think she may have gotten something from me and witnessing her being blessed and confirmed by Bishop Marc yesterday  brought me to tears. I felt such reward in being there with her and success from the 14 sessions of  preparation we did together. Including creating a dance together.

 Vanessa, myself and Ted (our Rector) danced together during the first reading.  Ted is also Williams father. So to top of the joyous witnessing of the two sacraments, I got to experience something that I love in a whole other way. I shared this joy with both of them as they also have passion for dance .

Are these all steps within the process of  adoption and then  parenthood ?? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Leap of Faith

The decision to adopt is very personal and not necessarily an obvious one. It can be something that two people (or perhaps one) talk about and describe as "something that would be cool to do." Now I personally think there are a lot of cool things to do  in life , and adoption is certainly something that sat in the back of my head as a thing that seemed likely to be a part of my life. What that meant in my head is different now as it is a reality. Perhaps I have seen Annie too many times (and Wally will sadly atest to this!)

 I find it amusing how human beings fantasize about things that may make us feel better about being human beings, but we rarely investigate the real steps that it could take to do the "cool things" or manifest what seems like impossible ideas. Now I don't think I  could have ever predicted the plethora of experiences that I had with AXIS ! As a matter of fact, I spent 8 years living surprise after surprise with many of them involving hoards of laughter or tears. Having a career as a dance artist has demanded a tremendous amount of trust, risk, hope, commitment and passion. I don't believe  these words to be at all separate from one's that describe the adoption process.

Wally & I have spent 13.9 years together (10.3 married) and have used as much time as possible getting to know each other. We hope to always be learning about each other, never make  to many assumptions, continue to make new discoveries and discern complexities & their potential solutions. 

Our reasons for adopting are simply because we want to be parents AND we think that we might be good ones. Not perfect or blue printable, but able to provide lots and lots of love, the thing that ALL living things strive for. The thought process to adopt It is not rocket science and we haven't spent years and years thinking about all of the pros and cons of why we should or shouldn't make this choice. I spent years and years knowing that I wanted to have a dance career and I do. I wasn't always confident that I would, but I somehow got there.It has been  a continuous process of growing, discovering and creating. Again, makes me think about the relationship between any child and its parents.

 

True love

Well, it is time for some thoughts from the other half (the better one right???) Actually, I am completely touched and thankful that my husband chose early on to use blogging as a way of sharing this important time in our relationship & familyhood. If I would have  had a better sense of what a blog was 2.5 years ago, then I probably would have begun one at that time as we began to foster then adopt our fabulous dog Soleil.  I can recall a sense of maternal calling the first night we brought her home on Sept. 23rd, 2005 when she and I spent the wee hours  of the morning looking at each other thinking "who are you and why have you come into my life and why are we wide awake at 4am??" I remember thinking if she were a baby how would I feel? 

Soleil had just survived a devastating hurricane, traveled in a small van with about 15 other dogs  on the long journey from New Orleans to California, and upon arrival was confined from the others for having ringworm! She wasn't the dog that everyone was seeking because of condition and she was a female PUPPY! But we brought her home. We were called to be her parents! We had no idea what this would mean or how it would change our lives. It was a leap of faith. The next day as she and i were going to the vet (the LONG drive towards the Oakland Hills which felt like days!), we hit the "low moment." I pulled over in tears because I felt like I didn't know what she needed or how to help her. She put her paw on my shoulder and communicated "that everything would be okay." It was a clear sign that it would and that was the transcendent moment when we fell in love!