A New Hope

I can only believe that by having new energy in this country will trickle down into bringing good luck to people in lots of different ways. We are all in need of change and I am so relieved that Barack Obama will help guide that mission! I got to spend the historic evening with dear friends from college and their children & it was very emotional, yet a perfect moment. I am grateful to live in a place where there is so much acceptance for being who you are and what circumstances come with you & I just know that goodness must lie ahead.

the waiting blanket

Clearly , I am a blogger who waits for inspiration ! Wally's version was recently updated with his thoughts about where we are at in our process and the same day he posted that, something beautiful and touching happened. 

A woman from our church whom refers to herself as " a good fairy" literally sent us the most special warmth. She knitted us a "waiting blanket." It is blue and has a block pattern that is very solid ! She presented it to me yesterday after the service and shared that Ted our Rector had blessed it earlier in the morning . This was SO moving and special to me and the first time in this process that I felt like I was truly receiving.  We slept with the blanket over both of us and just pray that when the time is right, there will be another sleeping with us under the blanket.

Where has the summer gone?

I guess life has just had me focused elsewhere over the last two months! Granted, the adoption is a part of our every day life, though not always at the top of the "to-do" list because there is always something to do. If you read Wally's last post, you'll see that we did send out a big mailing a few weeks back. We also continue to link our website to other adoption websites. We can only  keep trying to get our letter  & website out there and hope that they get into the hands of someone looking to find us.

The summer has been good. Busy with lots of work & some play. Looking forward to a beach weekend in San Diego is two weeks!

In denial that I will be back dancing  with middle schoolers at the end of the month!

It's June!

Despite how absolutely jammed up the spring was for both  of us, I am feeling relieved that June has arrived and I can finally reflect a bit on what we have accomplished thus far with the adoption process. It is important to celebrate the little  & big milestones of  as a way to feel  proactive in our search and for us, well, we are both over achievers & over committers to whatever projects we are working on  so the time to reflect and acknowledge what we have done is crucial.

According to our big adoption  binder, we are in "Stage 3" the networking and connecting with birthmothers phase. 

 In Stage 1 we attended the information session at the agency to see what the heck open adoption was all about. Basically, we began the process. 

In Stage 2 we attended a weekend intensive , had our first appointment with our Adoption Coordinator, signed the contract and  filled out A LOT of paper work  called a "Home Study ." This included  the following: biographies of both of our lives from childhood-present; interviews with a social worker; finger prints for the DOJ , FBI & CPS ;physicals with blood work; DMV records; proof of our marriage; letters of support; employment verification;criminal records; built a profile; created, revised, printed & distributed the dang letter  which included taking pictures & then taping the  main photo on every single one(which was a whole stage in itself!)  & then there was the website with MORE photos . We attended a workshop about how to prepare for  successful adoptive parenting, had a social worker visit our home to show that a child could not access alcohol, medicine or poison of any kind and the visit confirmed that we had a fire extinguisher! The best part of that visit was f course, showing off Soleil! Finally, we learned about legal issues & began to prepare for contact from a birthmother.

SO here we are in Stage 3... our letter is out in the universe and some birthmothers have viewed it. None have contacted us yet. We have begun networking and  as much as we can while working full time, including linking our web site to some additional  sites that get traffic for adoption or pregnancy. 

The Adoption Center works alongside our efforts to help us top locate birthmothers. They reach 49 states and 700 cities which include over 2800 pregnancy related staff and organizations. They provide services & education about adoption through their 8 US offices as well as place ad's in yellow pages, magazines, newspapers and radio. Other outreach  activities include public speaking to California high schools, pregnancy centers, clinics and hospitals.

So when someone asks us (and we do appreciate it!!) "How is the baby hunt" or" any adoption news" this is basically the  news!  It is a lengthy  process , but just like the art we make and shows  we perform in and/or design we are learning, celebrating, growing, and anxiously awaiting where one process ends and then next one begins!

Full LIfe

This month has been so full for us. All good, just doing a lot of things which includes the task of continuing to network. It has been 3 weeks since our web site went live and our letter has been out for about a month. It is the kind of thing that you can  just decide to forget about and assume that the agency will just deal with  or you can be proactive.  We are doing both!  Our electronic network has been so great about helping . No phone calls yet but I believe just as with the process of building /creating anything else, it takes time. We are all given our own individual path as to how we grow our families and for Wally, Soleil and I , this is our path. 

Meanwhile, I get to dance this whole month with Compania Y from Spain , finish teaching my middle schoolers until September, plan the next year for youth group, and experience some truly HOT bay area weather! 

Please share our website

In case you are a regular blogger and felt confused by the last post... our website is up and running and should be shared with your networks. We encourage you to send it out! It truly is a tool for reaching potential birthmothers and even if we are not the right match for them or vice versa , it serves a dual purpose of contacting them to the agency to other waiting families.

So please spread the love! Thank you to those who have sent it around as we have received  lots of supportive feedback , even from strangers!

www.rasera-holden.net

We are LIVE!

Our website is up and running! If it is not, please let us know!

We were so blessed to work with a web designer who was patient, generous and creative! Thanks to our friends Shelley & Austin for hooking us up with him!  So if you are an avid blog reader and feel moved to forward our web address around to well... ANYONE... that would be most appreciated! We also have the hard copy of the letter which we will be sending out to what is called "our network." Again, if you have ideas of where we can send it, let us know!! It is such a huge relief to be at the end of phase 2... let us hope for a less tedious phase 3!

www.rasera-holden.net

Soleil turns 3!

Or so we think!! We named Soleils "official" day of birth April 23rd because when we began to foster her on Sept. 23, 2005 she was believed to be about 5 months old.  As we will never really know the story of her first 5 months, we have had endless stories to share about the last 2.5 years of knowing  & loving her. When she looks at us, we know that she knows we are her mom & dad  and we also know that who ever her "biological" parents were they must have had  the following qualities: determination, sensitivity, protectiveness, warmth, loving, snugglers, persistence, endurance, agility, playfulness, affection for squirrels, birds, flying bugs & wood, intelligence, friendly to most beings unless carrying a loud , unenvironmentally friendly piece of yard machinery & most special quality... the ability to heal both self & others.

SO the fact that we didn't know her from the very  start doesn't matter one bit as we have reaped the benefit of knowing so much more about her and receiving the inspiration she brings us every day even when things feel really challenging or impossible. Soleil reminds us that love has very little to do with biology.

Letter out!

I can't believe it has taken me all weekend to write this great news! Our 1st 100 letters went out through the agency on Friday!  Thanks to my awesome cousin Jacie, pictures got glued on and Wally and I signed till the pen ran out and then I drove them out to the agency  on Friday afternoon. I didn't expect their response to be that it would go into circulation that day! I was a little stunned after the 4 month  paperwork project.  Nonetheless it was such a relief to let go of that part  and go about our ridiculously busy lives  for a few days! 

Now we are working with our web designer to finish the site. HOPEFULLY that can happen by Friday. It is crazy when I think about how often in the past months we have come home from our jobs and continued to work on  the job of adoption! I do think it is making us more efficient (oddly) in our time and CERTAINLY a clear reminder of how important this whole venture is for us. 

printing accomplished!

We have 250 letters ready to be signed and get the main photo glued on to each one. my goal before I sleep tonight is to do this  (or at least 100) so that I can take them to the agency tomorrow afternoon. Otherwise, we will be delayed till next week. Website is looking good and almost finished. yeah!

Finally...

We are approved for real this time!

Wally needs to fix one typo  and then  we print A LOT of copies!

Well, the printer does! Progress at last!  Phase 3 here we come!

Can we print yet?

STILL waiting for FINAL approval from the agency to do the mass print of our letter. The waiting right now for this one step to happen feels like forever. We are getting so close to being in "the book" and yet still have so much to do. I met with a web designer today (thanks to our wonderful friend Shelley ) and it felt productive. I think I am frustrated because so much of this process is dependent on the talent, time and willingness of other people, including Wally who spent hours upon hours designing our beautiful letter. We think it is beautiful! Hopefully others will agree, and most especially we hope that a special woman will connect to what we have carefully written and shared and trust us enough to parent her child. 

paper

So I probably never would have known that there were so many different types of paper! My mission was to follow the instructions according to the agency regarding what the type of paper needed for the letter copies was. So I went to Office Max and stood staring at the millions of different options! We needed 100-110 pound bright white. Paper actually weighs different amounts??

So after the store clerk stared with me for a while we found 110 lb. , 92% white paper (which is basically like a card stock) Naturally, when I got home and Wally used it, it still wasn't right. Needs more shine and a brighter white!

Good Lord!

So I will be returning to Office Max today to see about a return and then trying a local Oakland store that specializes in just paper!

AND given that we are at this tedious  (and ridiculous)step of the process , yes, it does mean that our letter was approved by our adoption coordinator and we are trying to send  a final copy on the RIGHT paper for others at the agency to view so that we can move forward with our bazillion copies!! Yay!

My life with Youth

Well I think that God's way of sharpening my chops for parenthood is through my current work with youth ministry! In Feb. I began a very very part time interim position at our church as the Youth Activities Director. Basically it is what I was previously doing as a volunteer but paid with more hours and the responsibility of "holding" the youth events programming for things beyond Sunday am. It's good and I totally felt like I could handle it when I said yes . Now after two back to back weekends of major youth events, I still think I can handle it but I can say that less naively. For all of the years that I have been involved with youth ministry in the Episcopal Diocese of Northern California, Wally has done it with me . We have worked as a dynamic team to teens on major events as well we within our own parish community. This has been my first adventure without him in this arena and it's  certainly not the same.  But I do realize that it is  thanks to Wally that  this important addition of my life came to be. Both  the work I am doing now and the experience of learning how to do it, I owe to him.  I wish we were doing it together but because it is a solo mission right now, it makes the idea of co-parenting all the more exciting! I know the dynamic duo will return and with an age that we have never dealt with before so we will develop those new skills together!

 SO I just returned from a weekend in the snow with 7 teenagers  (who are terrific & loved using me as a snowball fight target!) and I am now home with  my little family of Wally & Soleil and ready for a new week of teaching dance to teenagers..... see the theme?

Real Stories

Last Thursday eve we attended our 1st Support Group meeting. The purpose of the group is to have a place for both waiting families and those who have placed to exchange stories and hear where others are at. We were one of 3 other waiting families in attendance and there were 5 that had placed over the last year and a half and they all had their new additions in tow! So cute! SO many little ones with such inspiring stories about how they got there. The amazing part to me was that each and every story was SO different from the next. So families had just been placed like 3 weeks ago and some were still waiting after   15 months for finalization! There truly is no norm and that is actually comforting for me because it leaves lots of mysteries and keeps my expectations in tact. We will have our own unique story to share as will our child.  Just as in a pregnancy , you really don't know what you are gonna get! 

Juno

What can I say? It probably sounds so cliche to brag about this amazing film but I am going to anyways. Even without the personal connection to the story , this film was so well crafted , clever and beautifully performed. Ironically , I went to high school with one of the executive producers and would love to be able to tell him what a gem of a project this film is! I really wasn't prepared however to sit and take in a story that could hit so close to home. A subject that I am so close to right now and probably will be for the rest of my life! It was very intense to try to inhale and exhale without feeling a little numb, sad, nervous, excited , and so damn curious as to how our story will unfold. I can only pray for a "Juno" like woman  to find us and in that moment of meeting, feel so clear that we are meant to be the parents of her baby and that she will find peace and comfort with that decision . 

PS- What a great soundtrack too! 

The triad

Part of our process in preparing for adoption and completing our homestudy is reading! Lots of reading! We both have many books that we own about various topics ranging from dance, theater and lighting to vegetarianism to religion and politics to the poetry of Shel Silverstein! W would love to spend more time enjoying these books but always seem to lack the time to do so. Then along comes this adoption process with all of this required reading and we are nose to the books! A lot of the materials speak about the process of open adoption vs. other types of adoption, the relationship of the birthparents with adoptive family and of course, the benefits of the child having knowledge about their biological identity and their adopted family identity. The books share millions of stories about the beautiful ways that families merge. Instead of reading about the typical things that perhaps families read while preparing for a  baby to be born like "what to expect... blah blah blah" we are trying to learn the language and responses as to how we will bring a baby into our lives as well as her/his biological mother and possibly father. I can only imagine that this powerful  triad will create all the more love and possibility in this child's life and I will continue to put the positive energy into the universe of what our expanded family may look like and pray that love will truly be at the heart of it!

Two Piles

So we spent time over the weekend  sorting through our office  (purging old files, making folders for new ones). Who knew that Soleil's file would take up as much room as our auto records?

Finally I attacked the mess of papers that are adoption related(they have no file yet!)

They do however have two big binders ! It's funny when something so important really comes down to two piles- what is complete and what is not. The "not" pile" is still towering over the "complete." I also got depressed looking at our check list of "phases for the process." We are almost through phase 2! I got excited until I realized there are 9!!! It feels like we have done so much already! The good news is that the average couple takes 3-4 months to  get through stage 3 which is when our letter is being looked at by prospective birthmothers. So I guess in that case, we are clipping along!

Middle School!

It is days like today when I leave after teaching my middle school dance classes and I rethink why I want to be a parent! It is a miracle any of of survive that time in life! I have been struggling with some of the work I am doing with this age since Sept. and yet I feel like I have come so far since then. Much like where they are at in life, I still have so far to go! The good news is that developmentally , middle schoolers are very similar to 3 year olds! So perhaps by the time my child is 3, I will REALLY feel like a good teacher and parent!

I am also feeling very sad today about the young boy from Oakland who became paralyzed by a random bullet during his piano lesson earlier this week . I was listening to a radio interview today of his mother who sounded so strong and together in a time of  such challenge. I loved how she spoke about her son being the reason why she felt like things would be ok. It also made me think about how terrifying it must be for a parent to trust the world with their baby and how there is a woman out there who will take such a big leap and trust that Wally and I will be the right parents for her child.

Feeling Responsible

So after a 3 hour walk today with Soleil and my friend Smalls (who is expecting twins in 10 weeks), I completed a part of the paper work that I somewhat dreaded... a medical physical.

I don't have a "regular" doctor that I see or rely on for health issues. I have an acupuncturist that I have been seeing for the last decade and I consider her to be my #1 health support system. So I do get a bit anxiety ridden when the need arises to  enter a western medical facility and the lack of personal attention that  seems to come with it. I had made a appointment weeks ago at a local family practice with a nurse practitioner that I had seen once before and felt comfortable with. So I showed up at my appointment time and paid my  stupid little co-pay and waited. Waited and continued to feel full of anxiety knowing that perhaps many others had sat in my seat and had "sick germs." Yes, I am a little germ a phobic in that way! SO I went in about 30 minutes later to a cold room and waited for the NP. Oh, she had called me earlier today to check in about what I needed for the paperwork. This was encouraging and helped me to feel a little bit more like I wasn't just" another patient."

SO she ended up spending much longer than planned talking with me about the adoption and shared her prior experiences working at Planned Parenthood. I really appreciated the time she spent  , knowing that she was probably booked solid and for sharing encouraging thoughts about my choice and that the outcome would be exactly what is meant to be and that it would be good, because I emoted a positive energy. She  made the experience so much better than I would have imagined and looks forward to seeing me in the future with a little one. She sent me across the street to do an assortment of labs (she felt confident that the results would be good) so I did them without any fasting in order to expediate. I had to do a urinalysis  & blood was drawn for HIV, cholesterol & the bonus lab called the Achoo test. (This one actually has nothing to do with the adoption , but may help shed some light on my persistent allergies through blood analysis. I thought the name was funny!)

While at this lab I suddenly felt so "responsible." I probably wouldn't have been there doing any of it if it weren't for this little child that is going to arrive in my life. Don't know anything about he or she at this point,  but I know that my heart already has a special space for this child and I will do what is needed in this process to  get another day closer to meeting my child. The blood taker (I know there is a better name for this profession!) gave me some advice when I told her why I was there. She said not to be scared when my child has to have blood drawn. She assured me it didn't hurt and that the child will react according to the attitude that I have about it. It was the first time I imagined  being the one who would relieve a fear or anxiety   for someone who would need a good explanation of "why."

Triple Threat

Yesterday Wally and I were blessed to hold some special  roles in the lives of two young people from our church. We were both asked to be Godparents to 2 year old William . This was such a great honor and watching this sweetheart be tickled by the flowing water as it braised his head was truly uplifting. William was adopted in August by some dear friends of ours. His adoption took place in another country over a period of about 16 months. It is a joy to see him with his loving family every single time and to be witnesses of such a natural love!

 I  also acted as a Confirmation Mentor to 14 year old Vanessa. This process began in September and was an absolutely rich experience. I learned from her and I think she may have gotten something from me and witnessing her being blessed and confirmed by Bishop Marc yesterday  brought me to tears. I felt such reward in being there with her and success from the 14 sessions of  preparation we did together. Including creating a dance together.

 Vanessa, myself and Ted (our Rector) danced together during the first reading.  Ted is also Williams father. So to top of the joyous witnessing of the two sacraments, I got to experience something that I love in a whole other way. I shared this joy with both of them as they also have passion for dance .

Are these all steps within the process of  adoption and then  parenthood ?? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Leap of Faith

The decision to adopt is very personal and not necessarily an obvious one. It can be something that two people (or perhaps one) talk about and describe as "something that would be cool to do." Now I personally think there are a lot of cool things to do  in life , and adoption is certainly something that sat in the back of my head as a thing that seemed likely to be a part of my life. What that meant in my head is different now as it is a reality. Perhaps I have seen Annie too many times (and Wally will sadly atest to this!)

 I find it amusing how human beings fantasize about things that may make us feel better about being human beings, but we rarely investigate the real steps that it could take to do the "cool things" or manifest what seems like impossible ideas. Now I don't think I  could have ever predicted the plethora of experiences that I had with AXIS ! As a matter of fact, I spent 8 years living surprise after surprise with many of them involving hoards of laughter or tears. Having a career as a dance artist has demanded a tremendous amount of trust, risk, hope, commitment and passion. I don't believe  these words to be at all separate from one's that describe the adoption process.

Wally & I have spent 13.9 years together (10.3 married) and have used as much time as possible getting to know each other. We hope to always be learning about each other, never make  to many assumptions, continue to make new discoveries and discern complexities & their potential solutions. 

Our reasons for adopting are simply because we want to be parents AND we think that we might be good ones. Not perfect or blue printable, but able to provide lots and lots of love, the thing that ALL living things strive for. The thought process to adopt It is not rocket science and we haven't spent years and years thinking about all of the pros and cons of why we should or shouldn't make this choice. I spent years and years knowing that I wanted to have a dance career and I do. I wasn't always confident that I would, but I somehow got there.It has been  a continuous process of growing, discovering and creating. Again, makes me think about the relationship between any child and its parents.

 

True love

Well, it is time for some thoughts from the other half (the better one right???) Actually, I am completely touched and thankful that my husband chose early on to use blogging as a way of sharing this important time in our relationship & familyhood. If I would have  had a better sense of what a blog was 2.5 years ago, then I probably would have begun one at that time as we began to foster then adopt our fabulous dog Soleil.  I can recall a sense of maternal calling the first night we brought her home on Sept. 23rd, 2005 when she and I spent the wee hours  of the morning looking at each other thinking "who are you and why have you come into my life and why are we wide awake at 4am??" I remember thinking if she were a baby how would I feel? 

Soleil had just survived a devastating hurricane, traveled in a small van with about 15 other dogs  on the long journey from New Orleans to California, and upon arrival was confined from the others for having ringworm! She wasn't the dog that everyone was seeking because of condition and she was a female PUPPY! But we brought her home. We were called to be her parents! We had no idea what this would mean or how it would change our lives. It was a leap of faith. The next day as she and i were going to the vet (the LONG drive towards the Oakland Hills which felt like days!), we hit the "low moment." I pulled over in tears because I felt like I didn't know what she needed or how to help her. She put her paw on my shoulder and communicated "that everything would be okay." It was a clear sign that it would and that was the transcendent moment when we fell in love!